Hey guys,
So believe it or not, the intro to my current story ("Pound Foolish") has gone through 4+ rewrites, and I still can't get it right. Can I ask for your help? Here is the text, below. I'm not sure whether to include the Rockwell reference, and whether to have the image of the families holding hands (I don't think there are any such Rockwell pictures where they do that, but I was exercising literary exaggeration, I guess). Also, my professor Allegra Goodman thinks I should cut out the last line about "my brother and me rolling our eyes...Terminator 2," as she thinks it's superfluous. Also, some other things in brackets I'm wondering whether I should cut, leave, or revise again.
How sad, right? Well, any help would be AWESOME! Thanks! P
------------------------
POUND FOOLISH
When I was little, I imagined all the ways other American families had it better than mine. They probably gathered round the parlor fireplace to read Thoreau, or piled onto a corduroy couch in the den to watch The Price Is Right. I filtered these scenes through the fuzzy glow of a Rockwell painting--Mom, Dad, and the kids, holding hands and sharing a laugh.
The only bonding activity my family took part in was counting coupon, [and it was no smiling matter/no laughing matter/nothing to laugh about CUT?] My father would bring them home by the bagful after he closed the store each night. We would sort them by manufacturer, the nby denominations of 25c to $1.00. Our work was interrupted by the occasional grunt from my mother: "Huh-ree ah-pah jook-ges-suh!" My back hurts so much, I could die! [My mother relied on the Korean language for such hyperbolic turns of phrase. CUT?]
Sometimes we counted while watching Nature on PBS, the only television program permissible in our house. One night, Abba pointed to the screen, where the African cheetah--topping out at seventy m.p.h.--had just overtaken the Thompson's gazelle. "Back when we in Korea," Abba said, clapping his hands ot shush us, "we never dream entertainment like this. Eddie-ah, Samantha-ya, you ask me five dollar for movie. But Arnold Schwar-zuh-noo-goo can do this?" [My older brother and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes; there was no way this was better than Terminator 2. CUT?]
----------------
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
just sent you some comments in your email sweets. goodluck!
Thanks--I'll need it!
p.s. what is with the randomness of you writing "P:" before your posts? it almost makes it seem... like youre talking to yourself!
Oh, I put the "P" in bc I figured it would distinguish our posts. I was going to suggest if you wanted to put an "A" before yours, but whatevs.
PS- Thanks for your super helpful comments!
Post a Comment